Been a while...
worried![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
permaneo_spesthe Axis Powers Hetalia Rp Forum...thinggy.The roles of Alfred F. Jones (
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
freedomringer) and Natalia Arlovskaya (frigid_flower) most recently.But all of that is somewhat beside the point.
It's more of a sob story, but a story none the less.
I started out in the Rp with a somewhat limited knowledge of the whole...concept of Rping on LJ. Infact I had NEVER done it before. XD It's very evident...actually >__>;; Sorry mods...
And I'm proud to say I have been with it since I saw the post of the initial idea on the
hetaliaLJ page. We've had ups, downs, spirals, even the occasional explosion, but we enjoy eachothers company and somehow, divided by the invisible borders of land, the sea and even sickness, we all became friends in a way. (At least from my point of view).And over time, we've talked, created niches were we all fall into place with eachther. Laughed, cried, exploded and um...lite people on fire to cause explosions.
I felt like...everyone became like a dysfunctional family. In a sort of twisted fantasy filled with firecrackers, crack and unicorns.
But then one of our beloved family members got sick.
By sick I mean no one, not even the doctors, know what's wrong. I've tried helping in any way I could. I've worried, I've asked for help...it's almost improbable to help someone states away and probably even harder continents. (But it isn't that far, thank GOD).
I've been worried. And I'm unsure what to do anymore. I've come to my limit of what to do in my all ready hecktic life. Then I remembered something.
I talked with
sound_beatthe one that is sick because she was questioning a certain subject in her life. (This was WAY before she got sick and injured) I infact was compelled with this..since..HELL it kind of concerned me too since I was in the same..kinda same boat."I know this doesn't mean much to most teenagers my age or maybe even people older and most certainly younger, but one of my now good friends online has made me realize something because of a bond we share.
Being adopted.
I know there are others I know who don't know their one or both parents, but I think it's much more of a difference if you aren't actually Caucasian in my case.
Originally from Korea I was adopted. Yes. I was adopted can some of you peple believe it? No? Good for you.
I was told at a young age that I was different and that my parent were not actually my blood relatives. I never really thought much of it until recently, a yeaar or so ago, when my mom asked if I wated to see my adoption papers. It was a strange feeling, reading those papers, it was almost surreal. I can't even now explain how I felt. It was a combination of anger, hate, sadness, realization, relief, rejection, curiosity, and so much more. The ones listed are more of the main core.
My friend online is in a similar situation(which I will not divulge). In fact I was the one who brought it up when I asked my two friends online if they were adopted. I feel bad now (I made them cry >__>;;;), but I talked with them. We talked. And the goal originally was to help them feel better and give them advice when really, it was almost the opposite.
By helping them I was able to realize something about myself. Which brings me to my other friend who asked me, I assume on a whim, if we've changed since a certain period in time. I said "Yes, we have changed.", but realizing now I only said that nonchalantly with only the slightest care. I take back what I said then and now fully say: "Yes, we have changed." with everything I believe.
But even now I feel twisted inside about everything. One thing I know, I never want to meet my real parents because I have two great parents already and a loving family and amazingly passionate friends who have amazing dreams and personalities.
I know most of them PROBABLY won't read this, but I felt the need to express my feelings in words even if people can't relate, even if people don't really know what I'm getting at, I just wanted to write it all out.
It makes me feel better and helps me stand on my own two feet knowing I'm just that much stronger then before.
....
Is it just me or do I sound like an old lady? >___>;;; "
I re-read this. I wrote it some time after I had talked with my friends. Its made me think about how I should help my friend, by some unexpected conversation that we had some time ago, for ultimately helping me understand myself. I want to help her understand her sickness she has, even though I'm not there by her side or even in the same state.
Some people would find this pointless. "What if that person is faking it? It IS the internet!" "What if they don't call you back?" "What if they got money out of you?"
All relevant questions I admit, but also pointless. I'm going on my gut with this one because when you call your friend, states away, with another friend states away, trying to comfort said sick friend after getting a text message that nearly scares the hell out of you, and you hear hem cry, you get a feel of...utter hopelessness. An empty feeling.
Like, being thrown into an endless pit. You know it's endless, but is it really? A constant impending doom with that lingering shred of hope deep inside that maybe everything's really okay. Only, in my case, it really wasn't.
The sickness, the pain, the sorrow and fear that filled my friends voice still shakes me now. It normally wouldn't because ,hell, most of my friends live by me. I know I can see them. I know I can comfort them, visit them.
In this case I can't even go visit. It's a nigh impossible feat to go visit a person that some people in my life would deam,unimportant, because they are an "internet" friend.
I've always been thought of as pessimistic to the people around me, but in reality, I care for my friends more then myself. I just don't express it like I wish I could. Some people joke(At least I THINK they joke) about how I am incapapble of actually caring for others, to smile, or that I am void of all emotion.
To hell with them, I'm going to continue my support forsound_beat , my friend, part of my family...she's a wonderful individual. Actually she's kind of like a younger sister to me. (It's the AZN BROTHA thing that we do with one other friend XD).
I guess what I mean, ultimately, is that I will continue to help my friend no matter what happens. He strength and resolve is almost godly compaired to what I have expressed. She's strong for her age. And it makes me mad that her family, the doctors...everything just seems against her at the moment.
I was always told that things happen in three. I always loved that rule in stories, fairy tales...
...I have come to reject such an idea in life. It seems to bring only pain.
Please, I don't want to ask for people's help like this, as if for a charity for money, but at least for hope. A lot of us onpermaneo_spes are worried about Sound_Beat. And I fear a lot of underlying possibilities, many that would scare some, me especially.
Finding the sickness, of a thousand, even a million possibilities, I can't help but be scared. For my friend and for science, failing to save a life.
Any help from websites, doctor help sites, just..anything, teachers, something, someone, would be appriciated. I want to help. I want to have my friend walking around again, out of the wheel chair, free from arm braces, free from pain and the underlying fear.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if the worst came to pass.
confused
aggravated
intimidated
creative
